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A Lesson in Customer Intimacy

25 Mar

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core ™ or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a
little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
“the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
“an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of
all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throws of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy
Period.” Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is: does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling,
laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t
march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,
pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually
pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of Condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2007 in Humour

 

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